Wednesday, September 02, 2009

RJ-40 Rewrite - Accepting constructive criticism

Her name is RJ-40
I found her on a scrap heap
She's running out of batteries
I'll restore her
Stop all the leaking
Work until her viewscreen says "Input: Ready"

I fell in love in first grade
We told secrets on our playdates
Our parents said it wouldn't last
Then she leaned in, and whispered
My love is written in my DNA

Fifteen years to this day
She was crushed by heartless drunken metal fix
They tried their best to save her
Oh Jade, your eyes are closed but you keep breathing heavily

It's time for you to meet RJ-40
And unplug all your machinery
I grabbed her hand she started gasping
I didn't think I would do it

The knife cut smooth
I started running

You know it's not that easy
To fuse flesh, blood, and machinery

Just a few more screws and RJ-40 was ready
This is your new home
I hope you like it

I flipped a switch, the heart started beating
The viewscreen was flashing
"My love for you is in my DNA"

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

RJ-40

Her name is RJ-40
She's running out of batteries and leaking lots of fluid
Kole said he would restore her
Work day and night to reboot his RJ-40

It wasn't always like this
Twisting ratchets and pounding til his fists bled

Kole fell in love in first grade
She told him secrets on all their play dates
"I have fat toes and a chubby face"

________Chunk of time I can't describe yet___________________

After college graduation
Kole walked up to his precious Jade
I'll protect you from anything
Even deadly secrety ninjas
Or things that won't come out in sunlight

On the night of their wedding
It seemed their fairy tale was ending
When 2 tons of drunken metal came towards them

Not quite done. I have the ending in my head and this needs a serious rewrite. It's just hard to describe a respirator and hint that Jade is conscious inside RJ-40.